The Mirror

Deary May,

Admiration means respect and warm approval. We all want that. We all want to be the best, the most appreciated. Whether it be at work to get that high five from your boss to being the best on your basketball team. It means you're acknowledged and your place in the world is known. I read the back of the Joker movie box at Walmart today. It said that when a failed-comedian lost his place in the world, and became disregarded and mistreated by society, he slowly declines into a downward spiral...deep into insanity. We all have a Joker in us. We just want to be accepted and admired. And when we're not, it's the most hated feeling in the world. 

Looking in the mirror is a strange pass time of mine. The reflection is perfectly clear. It's a clear image of how I see myself. It doesn't lie. Whatever's in the mirror is real in my mind. And it's when those feelings and thoughts become destructive that you slowly become a Joker. 

Look at Batman. He seems pretty smart. The Joker is more of an emotional, insecure character. The smarter guy may not win every battle, but he wins every war. The art of war says that the angered general loses. And there is no benefit in prolonged warfare. Work smart, not hard. 

One time I had a small terrifying emotional breakdown. It was about a year ago, early on a sunny day. Me and my mom were in Lexington planning to head on an adventure, starting off on a bad foot. I don't remember the argument but it was probably some of the same old, same old. I can be snotty, she doesn't like my attitude, she was getting on my nerves, yadayadayada. I remember pulling into Lexington, where we'd been before and my mind just turned into mashed potatoes. Nothing looked familiar. I had no idea where we were. I didn't know if we were going north or south. And I sounded like a high teenager. She would ask me a question about the directions and I would say something like, "What? Huh?" But we managed to get to our destination with my stoner directions. I don't smoke weed BTW so that definitely wasn't it. 

Pulling up to our first stop, a coffee shop, my stomach was starting to feel like a stormy sea. On that particular day, I took it upon myself to be vegan. For breakfast I had had a piece of toast with shitty apple jelly from a hotel and probably some coffee. So I said to myself, "Hey, I should eat an apple!" I did. And boy oh boy was that not the solution. I don't even remember walking into the coffee shop. I think the floor was maybe spinning and I roughly sat myself at the sunny bar while Mom ordered us coffees. I got an unsweetened almond milk cappuccino. To this day, I still can't drink one. It was disgusting. Unsweetened almond milk in general is disgusting. I was dying at that point. So I begged for another one, this time with a different milk. Mom got herself a piece of warm quiche and I was so desperate for some relief that I begged for a piece of quiche too. I had a bout of an eating disorder when I was younger, about 16. I decided not to eat for maybe 3 months. I lost my period and lost my hair, along with some of my mind but I think deciding not to eat in that moment and ordering the almond milk cappuccino, and also a carbonated water (all maybe 100 calories), my body was remembering how it felt to be beyond starving for a quarter of a year and it was trying to protect myself. 

I think I ate my quiche and then said I had to go. I left both coffees sitting on the bar and quickly walked outside, hoping Mom would hurry behind me. The fresh air was nice and all but this was a deeper issue. We left and I fell into a light sleep, in and out of awareness of for like 4 hours. Then it got worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore. Finally, I threw up. Now, usually when that happens, it's all better now. Bad food gone from the stomach, now the healing begins. Well, I must've vomited out my brain too because right after it happened and I sat in the back seat shaking, I couldn't speak. I sounded like a mentally impaired individual. Words sounded like random noises and Mom pulled over, horrified at what was going on. I tried to text her but letters and spaces that made no sense came through. I didn't know what was going on but I remember wondering, conscious enough to be able to ponder a thought. 

After about an hour of driving and my speech slowly starting to make some sense, we went to a hospital and the nurse said this, "You can get looked at and get checked out...but I think you're too young for a stroke (which is what my sister thought it could be)." I sat there under the bright lights of the lobby, unsure what to do but I ended walking out, hoping I was okay. I was starving at that point and told Mom all I feel I could hold down was a 6" tuna sub from Subway. Random craving but I couldn't help it.

It was all my body protecting me from myself. Sometime's I still think my life would be so much better if I starved myself. But then again, how much is admiration really worth? My life? 

Good Night May 🌙