Security Within Self

Finding and feeling security is the opposite of insecurity. “She lacks confidence.. She’s so insecure.” “He was nervous and insecure in the play.” Nobody wants to hear that. Yet I feel it a lot. It’s connected with self consciousness and self image. A lot of focus on the self. And insecurities with money is even more of a gut-punch.

 

From the beginning of myself, I remember noticing every small thing I did. From the way I stood to the way I laughed. I don’t know if most people feel this. I look at kids around me now as an adult and they seem so jovial and energetic compared.

 

I’ve definitely come a long way though. Now I am a team leader in a restaurant/bakery and I really love the position of helping the team achieve greatness. Helping others feel secure is really where I shine. I like to make people feel comfortable and understood. I’ve actually decided to change personality traits and try to be a different person. It was like a few years of real-life acting. I decided to be a Sagittarius. And I got even more...serious about it. I had a Gemini moon (talkative and social), a Cancer rising (presenting myself like a kind loving woman), and an Aries midheaven (my motto was “I can take anything, bring it on, world!). I started that about two and a half years ago. It was almost like switching positions at a job. I went from the secretary (Virgo) to the Human Relations/Salesman (Sagittarius).

 

It was completely life changing. Eventually it started to wear on me and I started to lose myself. I enjoyed fitting in so much that I actually gained weight because it was fun to eat with friends. It was exciting to finally be accepted and to do all the things I was too frugal to do as a kid. People used to tell me to have more “attitude” and “vigor”. It really used to piss me off! As I switched personalities, I was in-your-face, loud, funny, confident, etc. I shined like a true fiery Sagittarius. But as all good things come to an end, my flame turned into a dark black depression. I couldn’t understand why I kept this stunt up??? Why couldn’t I love myself as I REALLY am and see all my faults and strengths with honesty and love? I saw others being themselves. But when I looked in the mirror, I lacked...SECURITY.

 

I didn’t know who I was anymore. I looked back at my past and couldn’t find a way to be myself again. It was a brief dark time and sometimes I still fall back into yearning for the past. I still really don’t know who I am anymore but I am trying everyday to be my best myself. I am a unique individual. An INTP. The Architect (as they call INTPs). An Einstein. A Virgo with a Scorpio moon. Quiet and respectful until I get to know you.

 

And to get back to security, a strong house is secure and so is an old oak tree. The mountains and the sea. Nature. I am secure too. But the voices of others in my head are the voices that say the insecurities in my head. Call it helpful opinions but it hurts when they turn into my own voice. What MY voice says is different. It’s factual. And factually... I know I need some improvements. But at least I’m still alive by my own hand.

 

Dive Deep.